January 30, 2006

Less than a week

Christ, I never quite realized how long the two-week break between the championship games and the Super Bowl was.

It’s two weeks. I bet you didn’t realize that.

Hey, did you know Jerome Bettis was from Detroit? Me neither…

Nobody knew that he was even from Detroit before two weeks ago, and nobody cared either. He’s apparently a nice enough guy; though I always end up despising those that the media describes as such swell people. Not because I hate nice people. No, I despise these guys because the media can’t go one damned day without telling me how swell he is. Like Jerome Bettis is supposed to be beloved by all because he manages not to be a complete asshole.

Also, I hate anybody who gets the blowjob treatment from Chris Berman. Look, Berman was never far from being a self-parody, but he crossed the line about 15 years ago. There is a certain subset of players and coaches whom Berman just… well, it’s obviously some disturbed man-crush he has. Bettis, Brett Favre, Troy Brown, Bill Cowher and a few others are in this creepy club. He openly roots for them and can’t ever quite blame them when they screw up. What makes Bettis the worst of these is the incessant grunting and crashing noises Berman makes when broadcasting a highlight of a Bettis run. A 2-yard gain off-tackle becomes Earl Campbell against the Dolphins.


Shut up, you great slobbering nightmare.

With the Sports Guy sitting out Super Bowl XL, Page 2 has sent Chuck Klosterman to blog the weeklong experience. I like this move. Klosterman is by no means a sports journalist –even less than Simmons- but he’s a fan, and he should bring a very interesting take to the proceedings. Speaking of Simmons, I still love the guys work, but… Jesus Bill, we know the Pats are out and you don’t give a damn, but he posts two Cowbell bits, a column and a Curious Guy and doesn’t ever mention the Super Bowl? Seriously? Very disappointing.

We have struck a controversy, and like all Super Bowl controversies, it really isn’t much. Apparently the Seahawks and city of Seattle have already planned out a victory parade for the Tuesday after the game. Expect the Steelers to milk this “disrespect” for all it’s worth. I really should mention that this doesn’t mean any disrespect to the Steelers, nor does it jinx the Seahawks in any way. This is Seattle folks, to get anything done in the city requires more bureaucratic hoops than you can imagine. Even starting the parade planning three weeks prior doesn’t guarantee it will happen. Knowing Seattle someone will object that not enough gay, anti-war women of color are represented among the Seahawks management and the parade will be canceled anyway.

Speaking of jinxes, I can’t believe this one. You can pre-order Super Bowl Championship caps. If your team loses, your order is automatically canceled. Who is foolish enough to tempt fate like this?

On second thought, please buy bunches of them Steelers fans. They’re available here, only $29.99. Make sure you order yours right now, mustn’t let them run out.

The media does have a storyline that they will beat to death –other than Bettistown and Paradegate- and that is How Lame This Super Bowl Is. Leave it to Skip Bayless to get an early start. Look, I’m sorry that Michael Vick sucks and his team didn’t get here. I’m sorry that T.O and the Eagles self-destructed. I’m very sorry that the Cowboys didn’t get here so you can resell are your old Dallas “insights”. Just shut the hell up already, k?

Lastly, I get an email today from my best friend from school. It seems not only was he at the NFC Championship, he actually snuck in and got away with it. I love him like a brother, but I can’t believe he gets away with this shit.

And hey, if your tired of real coverage, try out Cracked or the Onion. The Onion goes out on a limb and calls for the Colts to win in the biggest upset in Super Bowl history.

Posted by Frinklin at January 30, 2006 02:07 PM | TrackBack

Wait, Jerome Bettis is from Detroit? Are you serious? Someone should alert the media, pronto! I mean, the Super Bowl is in Detroit this year! I swear to God! This seems like the kind of angle that would make for a good story. Maybe a thousand stories! At the very least, this fact should be repeated by every sports media outlet at five-minute intervals every day until it becomes permanently lodged into our stinkin' skulls.

Posted by: Mediocre Fred at January 31, 2006 10:46 AM
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