The Frinklin and Fred Show

Ummm... Happy Halloween?

We were ready for this Halloween. We'd been warned. My Father, when we moved in, warned us that we would be deluged with trick-or-treaters. The people across the street told us that they went through fifteen bags last year. We stocked up. We got Snickers, Milky Way, Nestle Crunch (milk, white, AND caramel), Kit Kats, Nerds, Baby Ruths, Three Musketeers, Whoppers, ... we got candy. Oh, do we have candy.

Our bell rang four times.

Now, there are some extenuating circumstances. It was pouring in Tacoma for much of the prime trick-or-treating window. Plus, we missed a bit of that window picking up the Beetle from the shop. And our immediate neighbors (even Ms. Fifteen Bags) seemed to skip giving out candy this year.

But still... FOUR? During the wildfires in San Diego a couple years ago, when half our damned town burned down, we still had like 20 kids come to the door.

Now we have candy. Waaaay to much candy.

Amateur Movie Review: Elizabethtown

While it may seem that the Missus and I don’t go to movies anymore, that isn’t the case. I just never get around to finishing my reviews of them. Halfway completed reviews exist of Serenity, and… umm…In Her Shoes.
Elizabethtown is the latest work by Cameron Crowe. In the interests of fairness I must note that I love Crowe’s movies. Any list of Frinklin’s Top 10 is bound to include Almost Famous and Fast Times at Ridgemont High, with Singles and Say Anything right outside. That said, his last picture, the unfortunate Vanilla Sky, was totally and truly awful. Elizabethtown is an improvement, but not quite a return to form. It is very much a rambling, unfocused movie that covers some territory that Crowe has explored enough.

Orlando Bloom, in a better than usual performance, plays Drew Baylor, a young executive with a shoe company obviously based on Nike. Drew is a spectacular failure; the head of a project that will cost the company millions, perhaps billions of dollars. After falling on his sword by taking the blame in a Financial Times-like magazine, Drew decides to do it for real and kill himself. He’s all set when he gets a call from his sister. His father has died suddenly while visiting family in Kentucky. Drew is sent to retrieve the body. He agrees, fully planning on suicide upon his return. Along the way he meets cute with flight attendant Claire, played by Kirstin Dunst. After arriving in Louisville he meets his family, realizes how much they loved his father and various hijinks occur.

There are parts of this movie that are depressingly familiar. Bloom, despite his oddly feminine good looks, is basically the everyman character present in all Crowe movies from Lloyd Dobler on down. Dunst is all cute-n-quirky; at some moments in the film she practically channels Kate Hudson’s Penny Lane. The soundtrack is vast, but somehow underwhelming, like it’s a snippet of modern stuff (a lot of Ryan Adams) and various hidden chestnuts. Just like Almost Famous there is an emotional scene using a forgotten Elton John track. Then it was “Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters”, now it’s “My Father’s Gun”. The movie also drags at times. Supposedly reedited after a disastrous debut at the Toronto Film Festival, with 18 minutes lopped off, there are still two moments where the movie seems to end… but doesn’t. Not only that, but there are multiple scenes where you think “this should be over by now, but it isn’t”. Making matters worse is Crowe’s inability to cut from a scene. There are many times where he holds on just a few moments too long. The memorial scene for Drew’s father, with Susan Sarandon’s tap-dancing and comedy routine is most prevalent. Yes, I said tap and comedy. There is also a performance of “Freebird”. Don’t ask.

Not everything is bad about this movie. There are moments, lots of them really, where the script shines. Crowe is a master at small, human moments, and Elizabethtown is no different. It’s expertly cast too. Bloom does some of his best work in the beginning, where Drew is mostly disconnected. His performance suffers through the weirdly hesitant-yet-rushed feel of Drew’s “coming alive” sequences. Dunst is fine, if somewhat derivative. Crowe does a very nice job of never really answering any of the questions about her character. Does her boyfriend Ben even exist? Drew doesn’t know, and neither do we. Sarandon is somewhat wasted in a scatterbrained role that should have been cut down.

This is a big, sprawling movie; So much so that the final scenes are an epic road trip from Kentucky-to-Oregon. Again, it’s unnecessary. Crowe does better in smaller moments. One has to wonder how good this movie could have been with a more coherent direction and feel. As it stands, its good, but only Crowe devotees will love it.

My first IMHWAJ Loss

That would be Inter-Munuvian Hockey Whoop-Ass Jamboree for those unaware. The Canuckleheads lost to the Avs in Todd Bertuzzi's first visit to Colorado since... well, you know.

Laugh it up Derek

Why Joe, Why?

Between the World Series and VH1's I Love the 80s Part 25, I've been watching a lot of TV recently. Now, I have one question regarding VH1's upcoming, But Can They Sing... What the hell is Joe Pantoliano doing on that show? Seriously, Joey Pants is the best character actor his generation and he's doing this?

Just wrong....

Frinklin Football Wrap-up

Can we just skip the college stuff this week?

Oy vey…

The Huskies took on USC and lost 51-24. Like the Notre Dame game, this wasn’t quite as bad the score looked, but the Trojans made it clear they could score at any time against the Huskies, and the Dawgs just didn’t really belong on the same field. Now that the Montlake Death March is over (Cal, UND, UCLA, Oregon and USC-yikes!), maybe Washington can actually get some wins along with their slight improvement. Next up is Arizona State, which (shockingly!) has floundered, going from a team with a couple close losses to quality teams to a massive disappointment. Hard to believe from the Sun Devils isn’t it?

I took a different tack with the Cougars this week. After the UCLA game I looked at the Cal game and decided I would skip watching it on TV. The Missus and I ended up taking in Elizabethtown (review pending) and skipped the Cougs. When we came home –imagine my surprise- WSU was winning. Not only were they winning, they had come from 18 down. Now, a smarter and slightly more suspicious man than I would have steadfastly refused to watch the end of the game.

I am not that man. For the third time in 4 weeks I saw the Cougars lose a lead in the fourth quarter. I am now completely speechless. I have no idea what is with this team.

-Oregon losing Kellen Clemens and Dennis Dixon kills their outside shot at a BCS at-large bid. Opponents will now load up to stop Terrence Whitehead and Jonathan Stewart and the Duck offense will go nowhere.

-Again: Arizona State can never be trusted. Other than that one Jake Plummer-led Rose Bowl team the Sun Devils are never as good as you think.

-Rough day for star quarterbacks. Clemens from Oregon and DJ Shockey both go down with injuries. Georgia is on the knife edge already. Losing their best player doesn’t help, especially with Florida on the horizon.

-Am I completely insane or is Northwestern the best team in the Big Ten? If they aren’t they sure the most entertaining.

-I don’t like Texas. I don’t like Mack Brown. But I really dislike Mike Leach and Texas Tech, and it was awfully nice to see them get obliterated like that.

Now, did anything exciting happen in the NFL?

Sunday was actually much rougher in the Frinklin household than you might think. The Missus did get to watch her beloved San Diego Chargers, but she sure didn’t enjoy it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my lovely wife more angry that people who aren’t me in my life. The Chargers lost on an absolutely inexplicable fashion. After coming back against a nasty Eagle defense, they lose on a blocked field goal returned for a touchdown? The Bolts, described this week as the best 3-4 team in NFL history, just can’t get it done.

The Seahawks know how they feel. At least, they did until this season. God, I really don’t want to read too much into this, but three times now this season they’ve won where in the past they would have lost. They held against Atlanta. They won on fumbled punt in St. Louis, and now this. A victory, when they didn’t play well at all, against a good Dallas team. A good Dallas team that crushed their spirit in coming back last season. Is this the best team in the NFC? No, I don’t think so. I’d go with whoever comes out of the NFC East, but the ‘Hawks have a victory over Atlanta, Carolina can’t get untracked and Tampa hasn’t beaten anybody.

God, I’m gonna get crushed by these guys again, aren’t I?

-Cincinnati still isn’t quite ready for prime time. The Steelers just ran right over them. Plus they might lose stud rookie David Pollack for the season. That hurts.

-I’d wait to coronate Eli Manning until he can win on the road, thank you very much.

-Been nice knowing you Joey Harrington.

-You too David Carr

Please don’t throw processed meat at us!

I usually wake up the same way. The alarm goes off at an excruciatingly early and Matchbox is usually going crazy, wanting to be fed and let out. Jeffery is slumbering under the covers, pushing both me and the Missus off our own bed. Jeffery will wake up when he hears Matchbox and I head for the kitchen. He will bypass the side of the bed I’ve vacated and usually trample over my wife’s sleeping form, oftentimes pulling the covers off the bed with him. I throw on my bathrobe, and still at least 2/3 asleep; I’ll feed them and let them out. While they’re out doing their dirty business, I’ll sleepily pour myself some cereal and eat while I wait. According to my wife, I invariably spill something too. Usually the cereal. Halfway through my breakfast, Matchbox will scratch the back door to come in. I’ll let him, usually remembering to wipe of his cold, wet feet. Then I wait for Jeffery, who like to go exploring and will only come in if 1) He’s called very sternly and/or pleadingly, 2) its particularly cold or wet or 3) He’s done exploring and wants in.

This morning was different. I was nearly finished with my bowl of Total Vanilla Yogurt (better than it sounds, trust me), and neither dog was to be seen. So I opened the back door and saw Matchbox (the toothless wonder) gulping something down and Jeffery with half an uncooked wiener in his mouth.

Now where the hell would those have come from? I grabbed my shoes, shooed away the cat eyeing the open door and headed on out in my bathrobe. It was cold this morning at 6AM. I was, unfortunately too late. Both dogs had finished their snack and scampered inside. I couldn’t find where they came from. Now I got a little scared. I heard horror stories about neighbors poisoning annoying pets, and our loudmouth dogs are probably the most annoying on the block. We have two neighbors behind us. On the left, within inches of our back wall is (we have a very oddly placed trapezoidal-shaped lot) a guy we met on our first day here and have never seen since. He seemed nice and has a good reputation in the neighborhood according to the neighbor across the street that seems to know everything about everyone.

She was the one who warned us about the other place behind us. It was on old, ramshackle home that was converted into old, ramshackle apartments. The first day (very first day!) our neighbor warned us about the history of drug activity at the house and how they called the police every day and they chased away a meth lab and a crack house.

A crack house and a meth lab in the same place? Who said we call can’t get along?

Anyway, our neighbor informed us that yes, the place was cleaned up quite a bit and they hadn’t had any problems in months and we just don’t have anything to worry about. Funny how they tell you that after all the bad stuff.

So, back to the wieners. They were in our yard, just beyond the fence we share with the formerly-scary-now-merely-sketchy apartments. Neither of our dogs had done anything threatening towards our neighbors. Well, nothing beyond trying to dig a hole into their backyard. When we first moved in, my father-in-law and I replaced much of the back fence we shared. The ground was still soft where we sunk the posts. It was just too damn inviting a target. So there wasn’t a motive. Both dogs seemed fine, but I was pretty freaked-out at this point. I woke up the missus, asking if she knew where our Ipecac was. Every pet owner needs this. I explained the situation. She told me not to worry, as our neighbors had a barbecue last night. Somebody just must have flung the stuff.

Both dogs are fine, and I managed to avoid a heart attack. My question is just exactly why we ended up with raw wieners in our yard. Practical joke? Just plain laziness? This will keep me up at night.

A Mind Is a Terrible Thing To Waste

The following is a passage from an MSN article on the value of earning a bachelor's degree:

Would you ever forfeit the chance to earn $1 million? Then consider this: A bachelor's degree is worth more than $2.1 million over 40 years, compared to the $1.2 million that a high school diploma yields over that same period of time. That's more than a $1 million hike in salary over your lifetime!

Look at those numbers carefully. Then recall that this article is stressing the value of an education.

I have no words.

Frinklin Football Wrap-up

College Version:
Just Coug It.

Back when I was matriculating at Washington State, that little phrase was devastating. To “Coug It” was to blow it. As in losing every non-Apple Cup game in November for what seemed like a decade-and-a-half. It was only the first six seasons of Mike Price’s tenure. To Coug It was to snatch defeat at the edge of victory, to stare out into the void only to have it bitch-slap you into next week. Ryan Leaf, and later Jason Gesser, changed that. To “Coug It” was a good thing. It meant to make that one play. It meant that in the end, the Cougar was the tough guy.

Well, after three straight Pac-10 losses, including two with leads of 17 and 21, we are most definitely back at the original definition. The Cougars rampaged over UCLA for most of the first three quarters of Saturday’s game; building leads of 21-0 and 28-7. Jerome Harrison ran for 260 yards and lost. Do you realize that Harrison, who leads the Pac-10 in rushing by a very healthy 240 yards, has rushed for 602 yards and 6 touchdowns in this losing streak? Having a tailback run for two bills and two scores every game and losing anyway has to break some sort of ancient football law.

At least they aren’t the Huskies. The UW, after a couple of heartening losses, just flat-out stunk against Oregon. The final was 45-21 and it wasn’t nearly that close. After taking a quick 7-point lead, the Huskies gave up 31 unanswered points. They couldn’t pass, they couldn’t run and goodness gracious, they can’t tackle at all. Tyrone Willingham has much more work to do than he figured. I still think this team will find itself and beat somebody, but that hope is dimming. Hey, they’re only 31-point underdogs to USC. Now the odds are good that USC will come in this week a little flat after their epic win over Notre Dame. Flat to the Trojans might mean they win by 35 instead of 70.

-Was the Irish-Trojan game the best college football game I’ve ever seen? Probably not, since I didn’t care a whit about either team; for sheer excitement though, it would be hard to beat. Matt Leinart and Pete Carroll must be the gutsiest QB-and-Coach team in the NCAA. Leinart’s audible to a max-protect deep ball on 4th and 9 is a Heisman-winning play, and faking the spike to sneak it was awesome.

-What was really amazing is that the ND-USC game wasn’t the only unbelievable game last week. If it weren’t for that game we’d all be talking about the Michigan-Penn State nailbiter or Wisconsin’s last-second win on a blocked punt or even UCLA’s impressive comeback over the Cougars. Maybe Oregon State’s win at Cal is the game of the day. Just a rough Saturday for college fans with heart conditions.

In the NFL, things weren’t nearly as exciting.

The hometown Hawks took on an awful Houston team on national TV and just killed them, like they should. Seattle rushes for a team-record 320 yards and by the end of it Mike Patrick, Joe Theisman and Paul Maguire fall over themselves over how good the Seahawks are.

Please… just please don’t do that. Let the Seahawks sneak up on people this year –or sink into obscurity as the case may be- this team isn’t that great. That being said, I’m as excited about the upcoming Cowboy game as I have been all season. I hear Dallas can be beaten deep.

-Jake Delhomme threw four touchdown passes in a six-minute stretch against Detroit. Two for the Panthers and two returned for TDs by the Lions. The most inexplicable thing I’ve ever heard of in football.

-LaDanian Tomlinson and the Chargers, even at .500, might be the second-best team in football right now. Funny thing, the Missus Frinklin is not a football fan, though like most San Diegans, she followed the Chargers when they were good. Now that we’ve moved, she wants to watch them all the damned time. Unfortunately we went with digital cable, so no NFL Sunday Ticket for us. She’s very displeased with the NFL.

-The Patriots have been doubted before, but they are hurting now. The defense suddenly looks old and infirmed and Corey Dillon may be done.

-Mike Tice is beyond Dead Coach Walking at this point. Bill Simmons asked the question last week about what this guy would have to do to get fired during the season. After Vikes Gone Wild, that is a good question. Maybe coach naked?

-About the Cowboys: the Giants game this week was about as ugly a game as I’ve seen. Eight turnovers by two ostensibly good teams?

Yet another completely random music meme

This was found at Eden's.

Favorite Beatles song
Impossible to name just one. I can try to break it down by writer:
John-“You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away”
Paul- “I’m Looking Through You”
George-“While My Guitar Gently Weeps”
Ringo-“With a Little Help From My Friends”

Favorite solo song by a former Beatle
This one’s easier. “Instant Karma” by John Lennon. A close second to “Watching the Wheels”. Not much by George, Ringo or Paul has ever excited me.

Favorite Rolling Stones song
This is almost as hard as the first. I have to go with “Gimmee Shelter”, “Tumbling Dice” or “Miss You”. Oh, and it’s not a great song, but the current single, “Rough Justice” is the best Stones song since “Emotional Rescue”.

Favorite Bob Dylan song
“Tangled Up in Blue”. A magnificent, rambling look at a relationship, this song tells a better story than most novels.

Favorite Pixies song
“Here Comes Your Man”

Favorite Prince song
Another hard one. “I Could Never Take the Place of Your Man”, or “Sign O’ the Times”.

Favorite Michael Jackson song
Remember kiddies, Michael wasn’t always a creepy joke. “Billie Jean”, “Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough, or even “She’s Out of My Life”, the single most maudlin song in pop music history.

Favorite Metallica song
“One” or maybe “The Unforgiven”

Favorite Public Enemy Song
“911 is a Joke”

Favorite Depeche Mode Song
“Never Let Me Down Again”

Favorite Cure song
“Why Can’t I Be You?”

Favorite song that most of your friends haven’t heard
I dunno about this one…

Favorite Beastie Boys song
“No Sleep Till Brooklyn” or “Body Movin’”

Favorite Police song
It’s so overplayed it has become a bit of a cliché, but “Every Breath You Take” might be the best pop song of the 1980’s.

Favorite Sex Pistols song
“Pretty Vacant”

Favorite song from a movie
Now, this is just a bit too open-ended here.

Favorite Blondie song
“The Tide is High”

Favorite Genesis song
What a bizarrely random selection this is. Umm… I would go with “Tonight, Tonight, Tonight” or “Land of Confusion”.

Favorite Led Zepplin song
“Going to California”

Favorite INXS song
“Suicide Blonde”

Favorite Weird Al song
“Dare to be Stupid” rips off Devo and was featured in the Transformers movie. How can you go wrong?

Favorite Pink Floyd song
“Comfortably Numb”

Favorite Cover song
“Maybe I’m Amazed (Live)” by Faces. Rod Stewart and Ronnie Wood take Paul McCartney’s rather pedestrian love song and make it real and raw. Or I could go with the Cowboy Junkies amazing version of "Sweet Jane".

Favorite U2 song
“Running to Stand Still”

Favorite Disco song
“Don’t Leave Me This Way” by Thelma Houston

Favorite Who song
“Baba O’Reilly” or “Won’t Get Fooled Again”

Favorite Elton John song
Almost as hard as the Beatles question. In order: “Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters”, “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”, “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” and “Tiny Dancer”.

Favorite Clash song
“London Calling”, “Train in Vain” or “White Man in Hammersmith Palais”

Favorite David Bowie song
“Heroes”…. or maybe “Suffragette City”, I can’t decide.

Favorite Nirvana song
“Breed”

Favorite Snoop Dogg song
Does his part of “Nothing but a “G” Thing” count?

Favorite Ice Cube song
“Today was a Good Day”

Favorite Johnny Cash song
“I Walk the Line”, “Folsom Prison Blues”, or “Ring of Fire”

Favorite REM song
“Nightswimming”

Favorite Elvis song
‘Suspicious Minds”

Favorite Cheezy-Ass Country song
Now why couldn’t this have been a cool country act like Hank Williams (Senior, thank you), Merle Haggard or George Jones? That would be “Hey, Good Lookin’”, “If We Make it Through December” and “He Stopped Loving Her Today”.

Hmm.. I’ll go with “The Thunder Rolls” I guess.

Uhhh...priorities

My wife leaves me a quick voicemail this afternoon. The gist: she’s left work, picked up a birthday gift and card for her brother, still is feeling the effects of her cold and oh yeah, she’s been in a car accident.

Apparently it is nothing more than a fender-bender, but it did send me into palpations for a minute. Due to this event, we now have a new house rule: If you’ve been in accident, that is always the most important piece of information to leave on a voicemail.

Frinklin=Bad-Ass Death Robot

Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

Seen at QW

I want to see this, but I'm afraid my childhood will be retroactively ruined

War comes to the Smurfs. Next week UNICEF is set to debut a 25-second film depicting a Smurf village bombed to oblivion. This is supposed to raise awareness of Burundi child soldiers. How that is, I haven't a clue, but still...

Frinklin Football Wrap-up

Okay, I’ll admit it. When the Seahawks punted to Shaun McDonald I had already picked out the title of my next Hawk-related post (Still St. Louis’ Bitch) and I had turned to the lovely- though cold and flu-ridden-Mrs.Frinklin and said, “The Seahawks are up by 6 with over 3:00 minutes to play; I gurantee they’’ll lose this game.”

Thank you Shaun McDonald, Jordan Babineaux and Jean-Phillipe Darche. Thank you for giving another reason (much like the Atlanta game) to think that the Seahawks are any different from last season. Yes, this is a big win; just beating the Rams is important after last year. Just don’t think for a minute that this team didn’t come within an eyelash of blowing it yet again. What can you say about the inexplicable play-calling that came just before the punt? Remember? Just over 3:00 minutes to play, up by 6 with the NFL’s leading rusher in the backfield, and what does Mr. Genuis call? Three straight pass plays.

Does anybody – seriously, anybody at all- think that Bulger, who was red-hot all second half- not, run the Rams down the field and win it? Now, I’m not entirely negative about this game. Joe Jurevicius had a terrific game, and DJ Hackett may well prove to be a much-needed deep threat. Mattt Hasselbeck played his best game of the season and one of his best of the year. Lofa Tatupu keeps making plays like a veteran instead of a rookie. Most important: Michael Boulware seems to be okay.

Still, this team was one play away from blowing another game. It’s just like Atlanta. Holmgren and crew acted like beating Atlanta by three after blowing them away all first half was some important moment instead of a hideous near-collapse. This team still isn’t that freaking good, and will have just as many moments like the Redskin game.

And this mess constitues the cheerful news this week.

What the hell happened to the Cougars? Two weeks ago the Cougars, after crushing Idaho, Nevada and Shadle Park High School, were 3-0 and Coug fans were thinking big. Maybe not BCS-big, but maybe Holiday Bowl or Sun Bowl big. Now, Coug fans are wondering if 3-0 could lead to 3-8. Last week’s collapse against Oregon State is almost fathomable after this. Stanford, two weeks after losing at home to UC-Davis (UC-DAVIS???) racks up damn near 500 yards and beats the Cougars. WSU looses despite 218 yards rushing by Jerome Harrison… 218 yards!. How often does a primarly passing team get a back going for two bills and still lose? How is this even possible?

It’s possible because Washington State was overrated by many, especially me. Not nearly to the extent of the P-I’s Go To Guy, who may be having aneyusm as we speak, but thoughts of 8-win season are rapidly going down the drain. Why is this? Well, without Ropati Pitoitua and Will Derting the Cougs have giant holes up the middle on defense. And the gambling, reckless style Rob Akey preferrs doesn’t seem to suit the team particularly well. The linebackers, past Derting, aren’t great, and ends Mkristo Bruce and Adam Braidwood have a disturbing tendancy to overrun plays going for the sack. The offense is better, but still doesn’t seem to click. The heady, brainy Alex Brink has now thrown 6 INTs the past two weeks, and seems to be uncomfortable in the pocket.

Hey, only UCLA, Arizona State, Oregon and USC coming up.

Now, for non-Washington games, college division.

-Texas’ win over Oklahoma wasn’t that impressive. The Longhorns still don’t seem very focused and I still question Vince Young’s ability to win a game with his arm.

-Penn State does seem to be legit. They slugged it out with Ohio State, and now have a very, very disappointing Michigan team to deal with.

-I thought Oregon would beat Arizona State, I didn’t think they’d blow them out. ASU, whether coached by Jim Cooper, Bruce Snyder or Dirk Koetter, always seems to loose about 2 games it shouldn’t. Oregon is pretty close in talent and better coached.

-UCLA was on the verge of blowing it against Cal until Maurice Drew took over. Drew, despite being the third-best back in the Los Angeles metro area, is a talent.

-LenDale White, second-best back in LA, is making a case for his own Heisman run.

NFL Version

-The Redskins were actually more impressive losing then they have winning. I can’t explain this. I still think they’re fundamentally a weak team.

-What the hell happened to the Eagles this week?

-Other than Tom Brady, the quarterbacks of the AFC East just boggle the mind. The past two weeks have seen Gus Frerotte, Brooks Bollinger, Vinny T, JP Losman and Kelly Holcombe. Atlanta backup Matt Schaub would easily be the second-best QB in the division. Schaub would start for any of those teams, plus at least half-dozen others like Detroit, Baltimore, Chicago, New Orleans, San Francisco… hell, maybe closer to a dozen.

-Speaking of the 49ers: I realize Alex Smith is a 22-year old rookie making his first start, but man he looked awful. 9-for-23 for 74 yards and 4 picks? Yeesh…
-Please, please stop giving excuses for the Saints. Yeah, life’s been rough for them, but giving up 52 consecutive points to winless team has nothing to do with Katrina. It’s the mark of a team that didn’t seem to care about the game before they had an excuse. Now that Deuce McAlister is out for the season, it could get really ugly.

Speaking of the NHL....

Rocket Jones' Annual Inter-Munuvian Hockey Whoopass Jamboree is up and running. The Vancouver Canucks are the official team of my half (well, closer to 3/4) of this particular blog.

Frinklin Hockey Forecaster

The NHL returns tomorrow, after a year-long absence. I’m far more excited about its return than I thought I would be. The year missed was brutal, but perhaps it was effective. It certainly set up the most exciting off-season in recent NHL history. Phenoms Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin arrive. Legends like Mark Messier, Ron Francis and Scott Stevens called it a career. Big names like Peter Forsberg, Scott Neidemeyer and Paul Kariya went to new teams, Nashville of all places for Kariya. Wayne Gretzky is now an owner-coach and Mario Lemeiux is still an owner-player. New rules should mean faster, more exciting hockey. The NHL even has a new home on the Outdoor Life Network. You mean I have to find OLN on my cable?

Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division
1. Philadelphia Flyers
2. New Jersey Devils
3. Pittsburgh Penguins
4. New York Islanders
5. New York Rangers

Northeast Division
1. Ottawa Senators
2. Boston Bruins
3. Montreal Canadiens
4. Buffalo Sabers
5. Toronto Maple Leafs

Southeast Division
1. Tampa Bay Lightning
2. Atlanta Thrashers
3. Florida Panthers
4. Carolina Hurricanes
5. Washington Capitals

Eastern Division Champion: Ottawa Senators

Western Conference
Central Division
1. Detroit Red Wings
2. Nashville Predators
3. Columbus Blue Jackets
4. Chicago Blackhawks
5. St. Louis Blues

Northwest Division
1. Calgary Flames
2. Vancouver Canucks
3. Colorado Avalanche
4. Edmonton Oilers
5. Minnesota Wild

Pacific Division
1. San Jose Sharks
2. Anaheim Mighty Ducks
3. Dallas Stars
4. Los Angles Kings
5. Phoenix Coyotes

Western Conference Champion: Calgary Flames
Stanley Cup Champion: Ottawa Senators

Fred's Playoff Preview: Release 3.0

Loyal readers of my work (Hi, Mom!) will recall that the Gala Playoff Preview has been a Mediocre Fred tradition since the dawn of recorded time (or at least since 2003, which amounts to the same thing to your average young person). And this year is no exception, particularly since my blog partner has made his picks known (though the record will reflect that he has chosen to pick only one round at a time, whereas I do my playoff picks in one fell swoop, because I am a real man).

My picks are particularly worthy of note because, in 2004, I ran the table. I picked the winner of each playoff series correctly, right up to the Red Sox' historic upset of the Yankees and subsequent defeat of the Cardinals to claim their first world title in 86 years. That's right, I called it. You can look it up. Furthermore, in 2003 I correctly predicted that the Yankees would lose a hard-fought Series. (Of course, I predicted that they would lose it to the Giants. Never mind.) As you can see, I'm a seer worthy of old Nostradamus himself. In fact, it is my hope that my legend will grow to the point that, long after I'm dead, whenever some unusual event occurs, people with too much time on their hands will "discover" inscrutable verses I supposedly wrote centuries before and claim I predicted whatever it is. Ah, fame...

But you shouldn't just listen to me because I'm obviously a clairvoyant capable of seeing the future with near-photographic clarity. You can also count on the fact that, as in years past, I promise to stay as far away from any observable statistic, metric, or fact of any kind in making my picks. As usual, I will instead rely on hunches, suppositions, distortions, and sarcasm.

And as usual, you can rely on my complete agnosticism in making these picks, because, as stated in Rule 43, Section c of the official Major League Baseball Rulebook, "No team favored by Mediocre Fred shall ever make the playoffs during his lifetime." This year, my beloved Nationals and my still-well-liked Brewers finished with identical 81-81 records. (Had the Brewers won one more game, they'd have finished with a winning record for the first time in 14 years, and bedlam would have broken loose in Milwaukee. Tap water would have been replaced with beer, the conga lines would have stretched from the Bradley Center all the way out to Brookfield, and the mayor would have declared the months of October and November official city holidays, October for drinking and November for sleeping off the hangover. Oh, what a party it would have been.) Meanwhile, every team in the playoffs has an adherent among my circle of family and friends. My Dad has now taken to calling himself a "long-suffering Yankee fan," with a sort of endearing arrogance that would be grounds for justifiable homicide were he not family. My front-running sister loved the Braves throughout the '90s, until she went to college in New Hampshire and adopted the Red Sox just in time to dance in the victory parade. She shares her Red Sox loyalty with my good friend The Mad Prophet, who has been suspiciously quiet since last October. The Smart Lady still roots (marginally) for the Astros. My blog partner has a well-known soft spot for the Padres. (Pads in 5 over the Cards? You're letting love cloud your better judgment, buddy.) One of my good pals in college was a White Sox fan. My two favorite fascists over at the Pearly Gates blog are Angels fans. And while I'm not personally acquainted with any Cardinals fans, I always wished I could have been Dizzy Dean. So, as always, no matter which team I pick, someone I care about won't be speaking to me when it's all said and done.

With the preamble out of the way, herewith I present:

Mediocre Fred's Exclusive Guide to the Playoffs 2005

NATIONAL LEAGUE DIVISION SERIES

St. Louis Cardinals vs. San Diego Padres

Last year, when the Cardinals played the Dodgers, I turned the forecasting over to my mom, who picked the Cardinals because she liked their uniforms. Since this worked so well last time, I decided to return to the source. As before, I presented pictures of the Cardinals' and Padres' home and road uniforms to her, and the following conversation ensued:

MF: So, Mom, who do you pick?
MOM: Definitely the ones in red. The dark blue ones are too subdued. Red is a power color.
MF: All right, thanks.
MOM: (pointing at picture of Padres' road unis) Something's wrong with your printer, honey. The gray on this one looks weird.
MF: That's not gray, mom. That's the actual color.
MOM: You mean they look that way on purpose?
MF: Yes, Mom. They call it "sand."
MOM: Looks to me like the forgot to wash them for a couple weeks. Put me down for the red ones, definitely.
MF: Okay, we're going with the Cardinals.
MOM: Speaking of cardinals, they've been hogging the bird feeder again. They're so obnoxious, always crowding out the other birds.
MF: Well, gee, look at the time! Thanks, Mom, but I have to-
MOM: They're almost as bad as the starlings. I hate starlings! They look like little flying oil slicks. They're ugly, and they always-

A rather lengthy discussion of the current demographic of my parents' bird-feeder community ensued, but as it did not concern baseball in the slightest I will spare the reader what I wish I could have spared myself.

Nonetheless, Mom has spoken. Next year, I think I'm going to let her make all the picks.

PICK: Cardinals in 4

Atlanta Braves vs. Houston Astros

I am grateful to the Astros for holding off the late-charging Phillies in the wild-card race, largely because it allows me to reuse last year's paragraph:

Do I have to pick a winner here? I don't like either team. The Braves' jaded, cell-phoning fan base doesn't deserve another playoff win. Meanwhile, the Astros' stadium, with its cheap hill-and-flagpole gimmick in centerfield and that gaudy, tacky train, deserves to be the site of the next above-ground nuclear bomb test. I'd like to get both out of the playoffs as soon as possible. Hrmpf.

Since the annoyance factor is even, I'm going with Garner. Phil Garner, that is, the man who took over a slumbering, sagging team at the All-Star Break and guided them into the promised land. This is a particularly happy experience for me, because I remember Garner's miracle work running the Brewers for a decade. Turning water into wine? You call that a miracle? Keeping the Crew on the periphery of contention for so many years is tantamount to making wine out of elephant urine. It ended badly, though, and after he left everyone assumed Garner couldn't manage. His next gig came at the helm of the Tigers, and we all know how that turned out. It's vindicated to see Garner leading a team with actual talent and proving once and for all that, as Lefty Driesell liked to say, "Ah can coach." This pick's for you, Scrap Iron.

PICK: Astros in 5

Everything here remains true, including my praise of Phil Garner for leading the Astros to a strong second-half performance, although it is worth noting that this year's sagging and uninspired first-half performance was captained by, um, Phil Garner. But don't confuse me with the facts; I've made up my mind. Damned if I'm going to think of something new and clever to say about two teams that, frankly, I can't stand.

PICK: Astros in 5

AMERICAN LEAGUE DIVISION SERIES

Boston Red Sox vs. Chicago White Sox (aka Get Your Sox Off!)

Hey, kids! Are you as sick to death of the Red Sox as I am? Doesn't their fan base's excessive gloating and smugness, the media fawning, and the slowly dawning realization that the Sawx are basically the Yankees with a more colorful backstory make you wish you could take back all the nice things you wished for them in 2004? It's amazing how quickly they morphed from Feel-Good Story of the Century to Evil Empire North. The recent Patriot dynasty hasn't helped... the recent run of luck has made Bostonians pretty damned arrogant. (Had John Kerry been elected president, we might have been so smothered in New England insufferability that I would have been forced to leave the country. And I liked Kerry.) Plus, the whole "lifting of the Curse" bit has left a generation of hack sportswriters utterly without material, and God knows what peril that might place the country in.

Fortunately, I thought ahead of the curve on this, and after last year's World Series, I unveiled our new standard-bearers of fate, the White Sox, featuring the Curse of Cicotte (aka Weaver's Whammy). The hack sportswriters are slowly starting to come around on this, although they seem to have a hard time agreeing on who should be the curse's official mascot. Among others, I've heard Cicotte, Weaver, Charlie Comiskey, Shoeless Joe Jackson, and Chick Gandil. Chick Gandil? That rat? Perish the thought! Nonetheless, I want the credit I'm due when T-shirts sporting Buck Weaver's face start popping up all over Chicagoland.

In the meantime, let's pick the Pale Hose here, in the interest of furthering the mythology I've worked so hard to father. Also, the Massholes deserve a taste of the real world. (I'm not normally inclined to schadenfreude, but I admit a Red Sox playoff flop followed by a nice 6-10 Pats stinkbomb would bring a smile to my face.)

PICK: White Sox in 4

New York Yankees vs. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, or the Grater Orange County Vicinity, or The Artists Formerly Known as the California Angels

I wish I had something funny to say here, but I pretty much shot my wad with the location joke, which has been done to death anyhow. I was going to point out how screamingly hilarious it is that the Angels have a world title of more recent vintage than the Yankees, but that got me thinking about the larger cosmic joke at work here. Consider, if you will, the teams that have won the World Series since the Yankees last won, way back at the end of last century:

2001: Arizona Diamondbacks
2002: Anaheim Angels (back when men were men and Orange County was Orange County)
2003: Florida Marlins
2004: Boston Red Sox

Look at that... two teams that still have that new-franchise smell, one suburban team with a perennial identity crisis and a notoriously blase fan base, and the Yanks' mortal enemy. Ain't that a kick in the head? Based on the current trend line, it would be just perfect for the Padres to take home the crown this year. (Wouldn't the Yankees seethe then? An 82-80 team with their grubby hands all over the trophy once posessed by Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, Phil Rizzuto, Luis Sojo and other immortals? Hell in a handbasket, I tell you.)

But for now, since experience supposedly makes the difference in the playoffs, I'll go with the team that has the more recent world title to its name. (Hahahahahahaha!)

PICK: Angels in 5

NATIONAL LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES

St. Louis Cardinals vs. Houston Astros

This is the NLCS matchup I picked last year, too, and this is what I wrote then:

Boy, tough pick. The Cards have the best record in baseball, which is actually a bad omen (in the last 15 years, only once has the team with the best record won the Series). And Scrap Iron, he's a good manager. And Roger Clemens... well, if you don't think he's hungry for another shot at Series glory, you're crazy. That's what he came out of retirement for, after all.

But if the Astros win, that means we'll be treated to three World Series games in that carnival fun house of a ballpark, and that I simply will not stand for.

PICK: Cardinals in 6

Word for word, this holds true. Except that this year, an Astros win would mean four World Series games at The House That Ringling Brothers Built, a thought that's nauseous even to type.

PICK: Cardinals in 6

AMERICAN LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES

Angels vs. Chicago White Sox

(Side note: Wouldn't it be fun to have an ALCS between the Angels and Orioles, two teams that are loath to mention the actual city they play in? They could advertise the series on the side of milk cartons. "Have You Seen These Teams?")

As a side note, let me point out that, due to a rather heated interleague series earlier this year, there are those who now view the Angels and the Nationals as rival teams. The enmity definitely appears to be deeper on Anaheim's side. Angels fans often seem quite passionate in their hatred of my hometown club; if you so much as whisper the word "Nationals" in an Angel fan's direction, you can expect a 20-minute spittle-flecked tirade involving Brendan Donnelly, Mike Scioscia, and the ancestry and manhood of Jose Guillen and Frank Robinson. It's rather astonishing to see such passion from Angels fans, who have customarily only gotten that worked up when one stubborn section refused to participate in The Wave, or when the security guard takes their beach balls away. It's also somewhat pointless, as the Angels and Nationals will, in all likelihood, be unable to continue their blood feud for at least three years, given the interleague rotation.

Nonetheless, if the Angels fans want to get their jollies and/or some sort of macho trip by despising the Nationals, I'm happy to play along. Angels fans are so cute when they're angry. And in that spirit, I hearby predict a ChiSox sweep, touching off a violent rally in Anaheim, culminating in the Rally Monkey being hanged from the control tower at John Wayne Airport.

PICK: White Sox in 4

WORLD SERIES

St. Louis Cardinals vs. Chicago White Sox

Ah, now we're talking. A good, old-fashioned World Series featuring two Heartland teams with long and storied histories, both of whom once employed Harry Caray. Who could ask for anything more?

(Of course, all the above means the ratings for said Series will hover around those for the Emergency Broadcast System, and the network suits will lobby MLB heavily to make damn sure the Yanks and/or Sawx make the Series in 2006, or it will be broadcast on tape delay on the Oxygen Network.)

I was tempted to pick the White Sox, but then I stopped myself. After all, if I accomplish nothing else here, I am determined to set myself up at the epicenter of the myth-generation machine that surrounds a good curse, producing a merchandising avalanche that will make me comfortable enough to retire at age 30 and start plotting my campaign to be a Senator from Illinois. (So what if I don't live there? If it's good enough for Alan Keyes...) But none of my dreams will be possible if the ChiSox win it this year. I mean, what good is a curse if it's broken before the public at large has a chance to be swept up in it?

Therefore, here's my forecast... the White Sox surge to a 3-1 series lead with a chance to clinch in the distinctly uncozy confines of Corporate Sellout Field, formerly Comiskey Park. (Note to traditionalists: If Charlie Comiskey were alive today, he would have sold the naming rights to the park in a heartbeat, money-grubbing skinflint that he was.) Mark Buehrle will be cruising along in Game 5 with, let's say, a 6-0 lead. Maybe he'll even be fashioning a no-hitter. Wait, let's make it a perfect game. With two outs and Pujols at bat, Buehrle will feel a pop in his shoulder as he unleashes a flat slider which Pujols golfs into the right-field stands to bust up the perfecto. Buehrle, it will be discovered later, has torn his labrum and will never throw another pitch in the majors. Meantime, the White Sox will try to limp home, but Bobby Jenks will give up a walk-off grand slam to Reggie Sanders in the bottom of the ninth. On the plane ride to St. Louis, Paul Konerko will wander back to the john and trip over the drink cart, blowing out ligaments in his knee and ending his season. Facing two games in the Red Sea with their cleanup hitter gone, the ChiSox will fold like a cheap card table. During the course of an 11-run sixth inning that will seal Game 7 for St. Louis, if you put your ear to the wind, you might hear the faint echoes of Ring Larder's voice singing, "I'm forever blowing ball games..." After the series, the White Sox will threaten to move to Tampa Bay for old time's sake, only to be reminded that there is already a team there.

PICK: Cardinals in 7

Frinklin Baseball Forecaster: Round 1

National League

St. Louis Cardinals vs. San Diego Padres

Yeah, yeah, yeah… the Padres squeaked into the post-season with a less-then-impressive 82-80 record. The thing is, this is a team that can cause some damage in the playoffs. The Padres have a legitimate ace in Jake Peavy and an airtight bullpen. The Cardinals are stumbling into the playoffs despite winning 100 games. Chris Carpenter has been shaky in September. Padres in five.

Atlanta Braves vs. Houston Astros

What is this, the 25th time Houston and Atlanta have ended facing each other in the playoffs? With a rotation of Oswalt-Clemens-Pettitte is tough to beat in the post-season. It was difficult for the Braves in the regular season too, as the Astros took five out of six this season. Astros in four.

American League

Boston Red Sox vs. Chicago White Sox

Before sweeping the Indians, the ChiSox had the look of a Dead Team Walking. This is a very difficult match-up for me. Boston is clearly not the team they were last season. Their bullpen is in shambles and the starters aren’t much better. It becomes very difficult to bludgeon teams in the playoffs, especially with how much better Chicago’s pitching staff is. Still, I can’t pick an Ozzie Guillen-led team over the defending champs. Red Sox in five.

Los Angeles Angels vs. New York Yankees

Hell, who knows? The Yankees have played their best ball down the stretch as Randy Johnson has finally dominated as expected. The Angels struggled for awhile, but they’ve been hot too, winning 14 of 16 down the stretch. The Yankees, like Boston plan to beat opposing pitchers to death, but the Angels have enough pitching to hold them down. Angels in five.

Frinklin Football Wrap-up

Brutal… just brutal.

If you, like me, held out hope that the football season would help salve the wounds of the last two Mariner seasons, you’re obviously wrong. The locals –Seahawks, Cougars and Huskies, all blew it this weekend.

-The Huskies played a good quarter against Cal. They were with Notre Dame for one half. Now, against a red-hot UCLA team, they played very well for about three quarters. Eventually, perhaps in two weeks against Oregon, they’ll play a complete game again. Like Cal, like Norte Dame, there is some stuff to like here. Moreso, in fact. Isaiah Stanback is maturing as a quarterback, re-adding the threat of the run. Louis Rankin has solidified his hold on the tailback position, looking quicker through the holes than before. Craig Chambers has played himself out of the doghouse. A play here (say against Air Force on their final drive), a play here (howzabout Tusi Sa’au’s hold on Rankin’s 50-yard TD to ice the game), and the Huskies are 3-2 instead if 1-4.

They’re getting closer, though with games against Oregon, USC and Arizona State coming up, it might not look it.

-The Cougars, on other hand, just absolutely blew it. Up by 17 in the second half –even on the road- is a game a good team wins. A bad team loses it. Alex Brink threw for approximately 6,258 yards, but that doesn’t matter a damned bit because he also tossed four interceptions, one of which was returned for the game-tying touchdown. This is an ugly, bitter lose to a lousy Beaver team, and one that could haunt the Cougars the rest of the year.

-The Seahawks proved quite definitively why, in their current form, the will never, ever, ever be considered a championship-caliber team. Asleep at the wheel for the first half, the Seahawks mounted a comeback and then just tanked it. The last minute of the game, the calls by Mike Holmgren are just aggravating. You have a kicker who is dynamite inside 40 yards, but shaky past that and you hold it at a 47-yarder? I’m tired of this team jerking me around. We know exactly what we’re going to get: a team with 8-10 wins who squeaks into the playoffs and loses in the first round. Might as well get it over with.

Elsewhere

-Welcome to the SEC, Urban. Alabama just crushed Florida. The Tide now has an outside shot at an undefeated season, but losing wideout Tyrone Prothro really hurts.

-Everyone on USC’s schedule should be very, very afraid. For the second straight week the Trojans were on the ropes. This time though, it wasn’t because of any self-inflicted wounds. Arizona State was outplaying the defending champs. Then LenDale White and Reggie Bush took over and the game was done in moments. The Trojans rushed for nearly 400 yards and ended up taking the game by 10. Notre Dame and UCLA are the possible bumps now, but not nearly as threatening as the Sun Devils.

-Joe Paterno might have something. You can debate on how good Minnesota is, but you can’t argue how the Nittany Lions shut down Laurence Maroney. Holding him to less than 50 yards is impressive. And damn… how fast is Derrick Williams?

-I like Tyrone Willingham, I really do. But I have to wonder what might have happened had the Huskies not jumped on naming Keith Gilbertson coach three years ago. Charlie Weis was available and apparently interested thanks to longtime Patriot Damon Huard. Notre Dame looks far better than they did last year. They blew up an overrated (by me too) Purdue team.

-All of the sudden, Nebraska looks to be in charge of the Big 12 North. The Cornhuskers throwing 55 times? Seriously?

-Central Florida won again. Good for them.

-Michigan is a different team with Mike Hart; a much better one.

In the NFL…

-The Chargers played New England to a standstill in the first half and then just blasted them in the second. Did anybody see that coming? The Bolts have gone past the 40-point mark two games in a row now. Where were these guys against Dallas and Denver?

-Mike Martz still doesn’t get it. The Rams ran the ball 15 times total against New York and passed 44 times. Yeah, I know they got down quickly, but c’mon…

-The Lions were robbed. That was a blown replay call.

-After four weeks of play, the four unbeatens: Indianapolis, Cincinnati, Washington and Tampa Bay. If you predicted more than two of those, seek help immediately.

How did I do 2005: National League

Like last season, I call myself out for some lousy picks.

NL East

I said…
1.Florida Marlins
2. Atlanta Braves
3. Philadelphia Phillies
4. New York Mets
5. Washington Nationals

Reality says…
1. Atlanta Braves
2. Philadelphia Phillies
3. New York Mets
4. Florida Marlins
5. Washington Nationals

Okay, I get it. I will never, ever, ever pick against the Atlanta Braves ever again. Ignoring the 13-time defending champion, I went with the trendy Marlins and paid for it. This was a hellacious division to pick and proved it, as every team finished with at least a .500 record. The Phillies, while they didn’t win either the division or the wild card, finally grew some heart. The Mets are better, and the Nationals were far better than I ever thought they could be.

NL Central

I said…
1. St. Louis Cardinals
2. Chicago Cubs
3. Houston Astros
4. Milwaukee Brewers
5.Cincinnati Reds
6. Pittsburgh Pirates

Reality said…
1.St. Louis Cardinals
2. Houston Astros
3. Milwaukee Brewers
4. Chicago Cubs
5. Cincinnati Reds
6.Pittsburgh Pirates

The Cardinals ran away and hid with this division, and the Astros -flagrantly flouting my assertion that the team’s “window has closed”- squeaked into the wild card. I said the Brewers would finish .500 and I was right. That team has a bright, bright future. Chicago wasted a marvelous performance from Derrick Lee, the Reds are still running in place, and the Pirates are just freakin’ awful. How awful? How about a team with an 18-game loser (Kip Wells) and a 15-game loser (Mark Redman). That awful.

NL West

I said…
1. San Diego Padres
2. San Francisco Giants
3. Los Angeles Dodgers
4. Arizona Diamondbacks
5. Colorado Rockies

Reality said…
1. San Diego Padres
2. Arizona Diamondbacks
3. San Francisco Giants
4. Los Angeles Dodgers
5. Colorado Rockies

I said they’d win the division. I didn’t say they would do it in impressive fashion. The Padres won the West with an 82-80 record. They are a thoroughly mediocre team surrounded by awful teams. The Giants season ended when Barry Bonds decided to take a year off. The Dodgers collapsed due to injuries, lousy players and lousy players with injuries. The Diamondbacks might be the weakest second-place team in history, but weren’t actually as bad as I thought they’d be. The Rockies still aren’t going anywhere.

Don't give ESPN any ideas!

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Farewell to Dan the Man